Out with the Old……..

Party hats and bells and whistles.

Last night of the year, and what do I do?…….celebrate in style……ending up in, of all places, a Karaoke bar….LOL. I listened to bad singers, and others making a statement, as we sort of welcomed in the new while saying good bye to the old.

I missed absent family, and friends, babies and adults, and reminisce of those good times that have been had, smiling to myself that I have, in my life had many more good times than bad.

I got to thinking that worldly stuff of all the trials and tribulations that seem to be never ending in the world.

Wars that drag on, and the hands of friendship offered on an international scale that have all the hallmarks of actually achieving some peace instead of creating a war.

Deciding that all Leaders time after time make the same mistakes as their predecessor, because of all things, you cant put an old experienced head on new shoulders, so the inevitable mistakes occur, over and over again.

So where are we on the humanitarian scale this year?

For me these hands of friendship reaching out internationally, and the small step back from nuclear proliferation, awareness of a potential global warming (even though there is great debate of its evidence) the celebrations of people with a conscience, marred by the parting of some of those notables that made a difference, makes me optimistic for the future.

So whatever your take on the past year, whatever you have been doing, we can all look to clearing the slate and take the 1st of January 2014 as an opportunity to change to refocus our goals. If you did not make it last year……….. make it this 2014.

Who likes what porn….

Now everyman likes porn…. dont care who he is, the visual impact of what we

perceive to be sexy is always fulfilled in porn…… not every day or hour, but just

sometimes, and I had no idea how our tastes differ…….

The 7 Most Baffling Porn Trends Across the United States

In an effort to answer the burning question that nobody asked, PornHub recently released the top three most searched for words state to state in the U.S. The results have been enlightening, yet horrifying.

#7. Montana and Oklahoma Are the Only States That Love the Butt

Big surprise all around when it came to the word “anal” — it’s something that apparently the kids just aren’t into anymore! Only two states included it in their top three porn searches.

Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images
Sir Mix-A-Lot is just one man.

While #3 in Oklahoma, the mountain men of Montana apparently enjoy pulling the ol’ Axel Foley slightly more at #2. We’d say it’s a regional thing, but considering how far apart those states are, it must be the wide-open American landscapes that are making people want to stick it in the butt.

Medioimages/Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images
We’d certainly prefer butt sex to Oklahoma.

#6. Kentucky and Virginia Are All About Hentai, While West Virginia Loves Large Ladies

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While there’s nothing wrong with loving robust women, it is odd that West Virginia, for one reason or another, is the only state specifically lusting after big, beautiful women — or “BBW,” as it’s called in the trade. Meanwhile, their neighbors Kentucky and Virginia are the only two states that consider watching hentai their #1 go-to for tugging it. Between the three states, it’s like some Bermuda Triangle of Appalachian masturbation.

#5. Nevada Loves a Specific Porn Star

Ever hear of the Czech porn star Anita Queen? Because apparently Nevada has — as she happens to be the #1 most searched for keyword in that state, and ONLY that state.

http://www.absolutegonzo.com
This was Nevada’s Titanic.

Star of the valued Photographic Mammaries and Big Butt Attack 3, the odd part of her NSFW bio is that she appears to have literally nothing to do with the state that, according to statistics, worships her much more than any general category of porn. In fact, no other porn actress even comes on the radar anywhere else — making this Anita basically the Neo of Las Vegas (only in way better movies).

#4. The West Coast Is Really into Asians

Good for them, right? But what’s strange isn’t just that only California, Hawaii, Nevada, and Washington rank Asian porno in either their #1 or #2 spot; it’s that they are the only states that even mention our friends from the East.

Jupiterimages/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images
We’re not even sure Asians exist in Montana.

It’s as if, since they just happen to be closer in proximity to Asian countries, they are the only ones sitting around without pants thinking about what naked life is like in Asia. You’d at least think the hentai-loving hill people would be thinking the same thing, but you’d be wrong.

#3. Hawaii Is Really into Hawaii

With Asians topping Hawaii’s charts at #1, the most bizarre thing about this state is that its #2 spot has to be the single saddest porn query anyone would ever type in a search bar:

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Not in anyone’s porn search history: Kentuckians.

That’s right: Hawaii’s second most used porn search keyword is “Hawaii” — something that doesn’t happen for any other state. That means that either the people of Hawaii are so isolated that they are hoping to find boobs that they could perhaps drive to or Hawaii is just so beautiful, you could pleasure yourself to climax to the mere sight of their lush archipelago.

#2. Wyoming and Idaho Have Some Really Odd Fetishes

When roughly one-ninth of your state could explode at any second, there’s no shame in wanting to live a little — but Wyoming is like no other in that its dark sexual desires happen to clash with the rest of the world in such a specifically odd way that we’re wondering if they might be adopted.

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Smoking teen burqas?

Yep, that’s “smoking” as in “smoking a cigarette” and not “smoking because you fell into a geyser and have no skin.” This is what sends the cowboy state up the wall with lust — as well as something called “BRCC,” or “back room casting couch.” Basically it’s fake casting sessions where people do it on a couch — otherwise known as a damn good reason never to pick up a pleather loveseat off the side of the road in Wyoming.

Meanwhile, next door, Idahoans apparently have a thing for “parody” porn — once again, something that no other state shares. We’re guessing that either they spent their pubescent years watching Airplane belly down on a shag carpet or the sulfur is just fucking with everyone within a 200-mile radius of Yellowstone.

#1. Overall: We’re Disgusting

It’s time to wrap up, folks — and while you’re no doubt shifty-eyeing your national constituents as we speak, the final reminder is that no matter if it’s old couches, pornos starring Batman and the Brady Bunch, or even places where poop comes from, you can rest assured that we’ll all take at least 10 minutes to get off to it:

Tableau Software
Ten whole minutes? USA! USA! USA!

And while the South might revel it in a little longer, and some states might be freakier than others, we can all come together knowing that no matter where you live, you’ll probably be into teens, MILFs, and creampies (the latter of which popped up in 29 states and has nothing to do with Drake cakes). Keep on wankin’ in the free world, America.

Unintended Consequences

The 8 yr old daughter of a very rich family came up to her mother and says

“Mummy, shall I tell you what I saw Daddy doing with the maid today”

“No Esmeralda” said the mother, knowing perfectly well that the Lord of the Manor was doing some extra curricular activity with the bosomy maid…….

“Wait until I ask you a little later”

The mother knowing that they were throwing a dinner party with some influential guests thought it would be a great time to expose the Lords activities to the world so gaining a certain sympathy from all quarters.

By seven some twenty guests were seated around the table, when the Mother said

“Esmeralda, what was in you wanted to say to me earlier?’

” Oh nothing really mommy, I just saw Daddy on top of the maid and they were both grunting”

Satisfied that she had shown her husband to be the cad he is ……….

Esmeralda continued ………………….

“You know….. the same thing you were doing with the gardener in the potting sheds last week”

The Indian Brave

A young Indian Brave goes to his father one day and says…..

Father……. how do we get our names?????

The Chief eager to be as informative as he can be turns to his young Brave and says ………

We use the way of our father, and his father and his father before him………..

On the day of your birth, at the time of your birth, and the place of your birth, you are picked up and brought out of the wigwam and held up in both arms so that the Great Spirits may know you and keep you safe.

Then when the gaze of the father returns to the ground from the heavens……… the very first thing he sees becomes the name for the new Brave……..

So the father may see a bear hunting in the distance……… and then you may be called “Great Bear”

Or maybe he would see the animal with antlers…… then you may be called “Running Deer”

Or he may even see a horse with a bad temper and then you may be called “Crazy Horse”

Feeling confident that the matter was fully explained but receiving no response from the young Brave the father says…… but why does this trouble you……………….???????

“Two Dogs Fucking”……………………..Image

Moon girl

Shortly after his spaceship landed on the moon, the astronaut debarked and began exploring the strange new terrain. He had walked for only fifteen minutes when he came upon a lovely young moon girl, who was busily stirring the contents of a meteoroid pot.

“Hi,” he said, introducing himself. “I’m an astronaut, here to discover everything I can about life on the moon.”

The moon girl stopped stirring long enough to throw him a smile. “How interesting it is that you are formed just like our moon men,” she observed, looking him up and down. Pointing to her own, quite naked body, she asked, “And am I structured as a earth women?”

“Yes, you are,” answered the astronaut. “But tell me, why do you stir that pot?”

“I’m making a baby,” she said. And sure enough, a few minutes later, a baby appeared in the pot.

“Would you like to see how we make babies on earth?” asked the astronaut, by now considerably aroused. The girl said she would, so the astronaut proceeded with a passionate demonstration.

“That was enjoyable,” she said afterward, “but where is the baby?”

“Oh, that takes nine months,” explained the astronaut.

“Nine months?” she asked. “Then why did you stop stirring?”

Whisky

Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. “May I get you something?” she asked. “Aye, a whusky” Jock replied.

She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he’d like one.

“Never!” he said sternly. “I’d rather be raped and ravished by loose women all the way to America than
drink whisky!”

Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying “Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!”

Scam

Dean was out with his car in search of a petrol pump. He saw a pump on the corner of a highway. There was a big board inviting customers: “Come one, come all, special scheme for a tank full of petrol.”
So Dean drove in and asked the attendant about the scheme and was directed to the manager. The manager said: “See mate, it is like this. You get your tank filled up full and bring the slip to me here in this cabin. I will guess one number between One and seven in my mind. All you have to do is to guess the correct number that is in my mind and if it matches, you go in the back cabin over there and you get free love.”
Dean got excited, ran back to his car, got his tank full and returned back to the manager with his slip. “All right” the manager said “I have decided a number between one and seven in my mind, make your guess.”
Dean said: “Seven.”
The manager said: “Oh sir, you were so close. The number was six. Dean was disappointed but not dejected. He gave another shot after a few days with the same result: “My god, your guess was close enough but not right. I am sorry sir, but no free love for you.”
Next day, Dean narrated the story to his friend, Martin over a drink and said: “Marty, the manager is a cheat. If he guessed seven and I say seven, what stops him from saying it was six? He can change the number in his mind anytime he wants to. It’s a scam, I tell you, that’s what it is.”
Martin: “Hey wait Dean, that manager is no cheat and there is no scam, I assure you.’
Dean: “How can you be so sure?”
Martin: “My wife went there twice last week and won both times.”