In an effort to answer the burning question that nobody asked, PornHub recently released the top three most searched for words state to state in the U.S. The results have been enlightening, yet horrifying.
#7. Montana and Oklahoma Are the Only States That Love the Butt
Big surprise all around when it came to the word “anal” — it’s something that apparently the kids just aren’t into anymore! Only two states included it in their top three porn searches.
Sir Mix-A-Lot is just one man.
While #3 in Oklahoma, the mountain men of Montana apparently enjoy pulling the ol’ Axel Foley slightly more at #2. We’d say it’s a regional thing, but considering how far apart those states are, it must be the wide-open American landscapes that are making people want to stick it in the butt.
We’d certainly prefer butt sex to Oklahoma.
#6. Kentucky and Virginia Are All About Hentai, While West Virginia Loves Large Ladies
While there’s nothing wrong with loving robust women, it is odd that West Virginia, for one reason or another, is the only state specifically lusting after big, beautiful women — or “BBW,” as it’s called in the trade. Meanwhile, their neighbors Kentucky and Virginia are the only two states that consider watching hentai their #1 go-to for tugging it. Between the three states, it’s like some Bermuda Triangle of Appalachian masturbation.
#5. Nevada Loves a Specific Porn Star
Ever hear of the Czech porn star Anita Queen? Because apparently Nevada has — as she happens to be the #1 most searched for keyword in that state, and ONLY that state.
This was Nevada’s Titanic.
Star of the valued Photographic Mammaries and Big Butt Attack 3, the odd part of her NSFW bio is that she appears to have literally nothing to do with the state that, according to statistics, worships her much more than any general category of porn. In fact, no other porn actress even comes on the radar anywhere else — making this Anita basically the Neo of Las Vegas (only in way better movies).
#4. The West Coast Is Really into Asians
Good for them, right? But what’s strange isn’t just that only California, Hawaii, Nevada, and Washington rank Asian porno in either their #1 or #2 spot; it’s that they are the only states that even mention our friends from the East.
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We’re not even sure Asians exist in Montana.
It’s as if, since they just happen to be closer in proximity to Asian countries, they are the only ones sitting around without pants thinking about what naked life is like in Asia. You’d at least think the hentai-loving hill people would be thinking the same thing, but you’d be wrong.
#3. Hawaii Is Really into Hawaii
With Asians topping Hawaii’s charts at #1, the most bizarre thing about this state is that its #2 spot has to be the single saddest porn query anyone would ever type in a search bar:
Not in anyone’s porn search history: Kentuckians.
That’s right: Hawaii’s second most used porn search keyword is “Hawaii” — something that doesn’t happen for any other state. That means that either the people of Hawaii are so isolated that they are hoping to find boobs that they could perhaps drive to or Hawaii is just so beautiful, you could pleasure yourself to climax to the mere sight of their lush archipelago.
#2. Wyoming and Idaho Have Some Really Odd Fetishes
When roughly one-ninth of your state could explode at any second, there’s no shame in wanting to live a little — but Wyoming is like no other in that its dark sexual desires happen to clash with the rest of the world in such a specifically odd way that we’re wondering if they might be adopted.
Smoking teen burqas?
Yep, that’s “smoking” as in “smoking a cigarette” and not “smoking because you fell into a geyser and have no skin.” This is what sends the cowboy state up the wall with lust — as well as something called “BRCC,” or “back room casting couch.” Basically it’s fake casting sessions where people do it on a couch — otherwise known as a damn good reason never to pick up a pleather loveseat off the side of the road in Wyoming.
Meanwhile, next door, Idahoans apparently have a thing for “parody” porn — once again, something that no other state shares. We’re guessing that either they spent their pubescent years watching Airplane belly down on a shag carpet or the sulfur is just fucking with everyone within a 200-mile radius of Yellowstone.
#1. Overall: We’re Disgusting
It’s time to wrap up, folks — and while you’re no doubt shifty-eyeing your national constituents as we speak, the final reminder is that no matter if it’s old couches, pornos starring Batman and the Brady Bunch, or even places where poop comes from, you can rest assured that we’ll all take at least 10 minutes to get off to it:
Ten whole minutes? USA! USA! USA!
And while the South might revel it in a little longer, and some states might be freakier than others, we can all come together knowing that no matter where you live, you’ll probably be into teens, MILFs, and creampies (the latter of which popped up in 29 states and has nothing to do with Drake cakes). Keep on wankin’ in the free world, America.