Unintended Consequences

The 8 yr old daughter of a very rich family came up to her mother and says

“Mummy, shall I tell you what I saw Daddy doing with the maid today”

“No Esmeralda” said the mother, knowing perfectly well that the Lord of the Manor was doing some extra curricular activity with the bosomy maid…….

“Wait until I ask you a little later”

The mother knowing that they were throwing a dinner party with some influential guests thought it would be a great time to expose the Lords activities to the world so gaining a certain sympathy from all quarters.

By seven some twenty guests were seated around the table, when the Mother said

“Esmeralda, what was in you wanted to say to me earlier?’

” Oh nothing really mommy, I just saw Daddy on top of the maid and they were both grunting”

Satisfied that she had shown her husband to be the cad he is ……….

Esmeralda continued ………………….

“You know….. the same thing you were doing with the gardener in the potting sheds last week”

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The Indian Brave

A young Indian Brave goes to his father one day and says…..

Father……. how do we get our names?????

The Chief eager to be as informative as he can be turns to his young Brave and says ………

We use the way of our father, and his father and his father before him………..

On the day of your birth, at the time of your birth, and the place of your birth, you are picked up and brought out of the wigwam and held up in both arms so that the Great Spirits may know you and keep you safe.

Then when the gaze of the father returns to the ground from the heavens……… the very first thing he sees becomes the name for the new Brave……..

So the father may see a bear hunting in the distance……… and then you may be called “Great Bear”

Or maybe he would see the animal with antlers…… then you may be called “Running Deer”

Or he may even see a horse with a bad temper and then you may be called “Crazy Horse”

Feeling confident that the matter was fully explained but receiving no response from the young Brave the father says…… but why does this trouble you……………….???????

“Two Dogs Fucking”……………………..Image

Moon girl

Shortly after his spaceship landed on the moon, the astronaut debarked and began exploring the strange new terrain. He had walked for only fifteen minutes when he came upon a lovely young moon girl, who was busily stirring the contents of a meteoroid pot.

“Hi,” he said, introducing himself. “I’m an astronaut, here to discover everything I can about life on the moon.”

The moon girl stopped stirring long enough to throw him a smile. “How interesting it is that you are formed just like our moon men,” she observed, looking him up and down. Pointing to her own, quite naked body, she asked, “And am I structured as a earth women?”

“Yes, you are,” answered the astronaut. “But tell me, why do you stir that pot?”

“I’m making a baby,” she said. And sure enough, a few minutes later, a baby appeared in the pot.

“Would you like to see how we make babies on earth?” asked the astronaut, by now considerably aroused. The girl said she would, so the astronaut proceeded with a passionate demonstration.

“That was enjoyable,” she said afterward, “but where is the baby?”

“Oh, that takes nine months,” explained the astronaut.

“Nine months?” she asked. “Then why did you stop stirring?”

Whisky

Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. “May I get you something?” she asked. “Aye, a whusky” Jock replied.

She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he’d like one.

“Never!” he said sternly. “I’d rather be raped and ravished by loose women all the way to America than
drink whisky!”

Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying “Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!”

Scam

Dean was out with his car in search of a petrol pump. He saw a pump on the corner of a highway. There was a big board inviting customers: “Come one, come all, special scheme for a tank full of petrol.”
So Dean drove in and asked the attendant about the scheme and was directed to the manager. The manager said: “See mate, it is like this. You get your tank filled up full and bring the slip to me here in this cabin. I will guess one number between One and seven in my mind. All you have to do is to guess the correct number that is in my mind and if it matches, you go in the back cabin over there and you get free love.”
Dean got excited, ran back to his car, got his tank full and returned back to the manager with his slip. “All right” the manager said “I have decided a number between one and seven in my mind, make your guess.”
Dean said: “Seven.”
The manager said: “Oh sir, you were so close. The number was six. Dean was disappointed but not dejected. He gave another shot after a few days with the same result: “My god, your guess was close enough but not right. I am sorry sir, but no free love for you.”
Next day, Dean narrated the story to his friend, Martin over a drink and said: “Marty, the manager is a cheat. If he guessed seven and I say seven, what stops him from saying it was six? He can change the number in his mind anytime he wants to. It’s a scam, I tell you, that’s what it is.”
Martin: “Hey wait Dean, that manager is no cheat and there is no scam, I assure you.’
Dean: “How can you be so sure?”
Martin: “My wife went there twice last week and won both times.”

Three Old men

There are three old men seated inside a doctor’s cabin – all suffering from bad memory.

The doctor wants to take a little test – so he asks the first old man, “Can you tell me what is four times four?”

The first man replies, “756”.

The doctor can’t believe this. So he moves on to the second old man asks him, “Your turn. What is four times four?”

The second man replies, “Friday”.

The doctor shakes his head in disbelief and then asks the third man, “Do you think you have the answer?”

The third old man replies, “Sixteen”.

“Wonderful!” says the doctor. “How did you get that?”

“Easy,” the third old man replies, “Just add 756 to Friday.”

Lawyers

Then there was this medical convention where three surgeons met during a coffee break. They were chatting about different operations on different kind of people.

First surgeon: “I prefer Chinese. They have what it takes and their bodies are perfect.”

Second surgeon: “I like Vietnamese. They are so small and delicate that you have to have steady hands, else the incision is big. It’s a challenge to operate on them.”

Third surgeon: “You are both novices. You don’t know about lawyers. They are my favorite because when you open them, they have no heart and they don’t have a spine. Also their heads and butts can be swapped.”

Pretzel Grip

There was this wrestling event between Russia and Britain. Before the match, the British wrestler’s trainer gave him some advise. He said, “We have done a lot of research on the Russian and it is found that he is an expert with the ‘pretzel’ grip. Once he gets his grip, it is nearly impossible to beat him. Just don’t let him get you in that grip. If he does, you are a goner.”
The British wrestler acknowledged his understanding. The match commenced. Now, to the match: The Briton and the Russian went around in circles, both looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian pounced, capturing the Briton the dreaded pretzel grip!

A crowd went silent, and the trainer shut his eyes for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t bear to watch the proceedings.

Suddenly there was a blood curdling scream, and a resounding cheer from the spectators. The trainer opened his eye just in time to see the Russian jumping up in the air. The Russian hit the floor with a thud, and the Briton weakly dropped on top of him, thus winning the match.

The trainer couldn’t believe what was happening! He took the British wrestler aside, he asked, “How did you manage to get out of that hold? No one has escaped it before!”

The Briton answered, “I was about to give up when he got me in that grip, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I will give it a try, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit them just as hard as I could. You have no idea how strong you can get when you bite your own balls!”